But life goes on…

Written by Kanza Naseem

Death is hard. We have lived to see people in pain, and watched them deteriorate into nothing. In the end all we are left with are memories, like deep cuts in our skin which scar so horribly, every time they are touched they bleed, seems as though the cut becomes deeper, similar to how we fall so far deep, in to water. The fear of it all takes over. Suddenly you can’t seem to breathe, somewhere, somehow we are supposed to learn that its just life, and this is the way it works. We never do, there is no time, ‘bury heads in sand, but our future’s in our hands, it means nothing, if I haven’t got you’.

A persons touch can leave you breathless. Every aching moment when they pass away makes no sense. For a while you just want everything to stop. You want to stop zhurting and feeling pain, just until everything is over, so you don’t have to deal with it. It’s natural. ‘That’s enough for now’

Everybody moves on, it be too soon for some. We like to hold on, clutch onto hope, so tightly, that we forget what people meant to others. We went slowly we took it easy, we stood still. Somehow we forget that others didn’t, they did not stop, and wait for emotion. They persevered, their grief is over, ours has just begun. We mourn what we have lost, on our own, sometimes its better this way, no body understands now. Grief meant their problems have disappeared (not), they let go to soon, we were not ready. Now we are. ‘And I’ve been knocking but no one answers
And I’ve been knocking most all the day.’

Time is a healer, we are supposed to understand, not forget. We never do, its easier to forget to get caught up, with other things, to bury ourselves with work, tasks things to accomplish, goals, a light to chase. Its all fear of some sort, how can we understand it? For it takes over everything, its seeps in to every empty crack, there is no balance, no way, or one to stop it. In summer we plant our seeds and hope to watch them prosper in to something beautiful, a sweet pear, and oozing ‘tamato’ 😉 a flower, we are consumed in their beauty. We forget come autumn they will fall, and disappear, in to the winds they blow, where they end up nobody knows, everything is meant to fade. ‘He must have been a gardener that cared a lot. Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop, Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls. We hear, we hear your name’ ♥ We are blinded by lights, which make things look easy. Feelings are not. They take over. They don’t make sense they make things difficult.

This is reality, it’s your grief, and it’s allowed; this is your life. It hurts and sometimes it’s supposed to, it bruises but somehow you have to feel it, you have to deal with it, fear is uncontrollable, but it always will be. Use your pain to come out the other side stronger and always remember someone’s watching over you.

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Bin roye (review) episode 6

Mahira khan! oh yes! Bin Roye is all about Mahira Khan. her beauty and her amazing performance is what Bin Roye makes a treat.

In this episode, Saman got married to Irtiza and although saba had been ‘pretending’ that she has moved on, she hasn’t. all her emotions came out pouring after Saman and irtiza got nikohofied. mahira khan was more than brilliant in that scene. saba’s dadi was there to witness it all but she let her cry her heart out. Saba cursed Saman several times during her outburst and it hurt her dadi. her dadi is like her best friend who knows her deepest, darkest secrets. on the other hand, safeer’s mommy is looking for a rishta for her son and she has saba in her mind. however, safeer himself is in love with a Hindu girl he met while he was studying in USA. safeer, being a coward agrees to get married to saba and does not have guts to leave his girlfriend either. safeer’s mommy has proposed saba via her dadi and her dadi has asked for a little time. meanwhile Saman and irtiza have found happiness in each other and they seem to be enjoying marital bliss.

This episode was all about Mahira Khan as I mentioned before. she not only looks stunning, her performance is on point too. the song was a delight to watch. however, I am not too happy with performances of other actors (except for dadi who is phenomenal). humayon Saeed and armeena Rana khan look good but they hardly have any expressions on their face. when humayon Saeed should be looking intense, you can actually see him smiling. Armeena Rana khan cannot act!! Please someone tell her that all good looking people are not good actors too. The shadi night scene was anything but romantic! And why are saba’s parents and her brother not being given much screen time? I fail to understand that.

Anyway, I am definitely loving it for mahira khan. I never knew she could act so well.

Did you watch the last episode?

Blissful Marriage (5)

Sex

It must be made very clear that extra-marital or pre-marital sex is simply not allowed.

Those who invoke not, with Allah, any other god, nor slay such life as Allah has made sacred except for just cause, nor commit fornication; – and any that does this (not only) meets punishment.[25:68]

Having clarified this particular issue, it must be noted in all other references, the Qur’an very explicitly talks about sex with the spouse. And the Qur’an actually talks about sex in a lot more detail than we think. All it does is put certain limitations which are in fact much less than we often impose due to our ‘cultures’ and ‘traditions.’

Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe. [2:223]

So it basically means you can have sex whenever and wherever you feel like rather than the much accepted night time. I have seen a lot of families not giving enough privacy to married couples during the day and making faces if someone desires some privacy apart from night. So if you have a married couple at home, dont just barge in to their rooms, and dont try to be as nosy as you would like to be.

Many people have taken this particular verse as being something which allows anal sex. The Qur’an does not explicitly talk about anal sex. However Tabari states, “The Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said, ‘Allah (SWT) is not ashamed of the truth (the Prophet (SAW) said it three times). Do not enter women in their anuses.'” On the other hand, Sahih Bukhari is astoundingly confusing on the matter:

Narrated Nafi’:

Whenever Ibn ‘Umar recited the Qur’an, he would not speak to anyone till he had finished his recitation. Once I held the Qur’an and he recited Surat-al-Baqara from his memory and then stopped at a certain Verse and said, “Do you know in what connection this Verse was revealed? ” I replied, “No.” He said, “It was revealed in such-and-such connection.” Ibn ‘Umar then resumed his recitation. Nafi added regarding the Verse:–“So go to your tilth when or how you will” Ibn ‘Umar said, “It means one should approach his wife in ..” [Vol. 6, Book 60, Hadith No. 50]

Now, can you really believe this….it leaves a blank space!!! Being so confusing, I would recommend that you simply follow the commonly held belief that anal sex is haram. At least that will keep you safe.

The only limitation on sex that I have been able to find is about having sex during ‘that’ time of the month.

They ask thee concerning women’s courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean. [2:222]

The ayah again talks about having sex “in any manner, time, or place.” The choice is pretty much your own. This ayah also brings to the spotlight the fact that the act of sex and the resulting secretions are pure and clean. This opens up another aspect of debate: Oral Sex. Interestingly, the Qur’an has nothing to talk about it. However, there are certain ahadith which do talk about foreplay, I am stating one here:

The Prophet (SAW) said, “No one among you should have sex with his wife like animals; rather there should be a messenger between them.” When asked about the messenger, he said, “It means kissing and talking”. (Tahzibu’l-Ihya, vol. 3, p. 110)

And who says sex is not allowed during Ramadan?

Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. [2:187]

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Blissful Marriage (4)

Polygamy

Women, hate me for saying this out loud once again, but polygamy is allowed in Islam.

If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (among them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice. [4:3]

Men, stop being so happy now. There are conditions that you must fulfill to justify marrying another woman!

The Arabs were guilty of a double injustice to widows: they did not give them and their children a share in the inheritance of their husbands, nor were then inclined to marry widows who had children, because the responsibility for the maintenance of the children would in that case devolve upon them. The Qur’an remedied both these problems by giving a share of inheritance to the widow with a share also for the orphans, and it commended the taking of such widows in marriage by allowing polygamy expressly for this purpose. It should, therefore, be clearly understood that monogamy is the rule in Islam and polygamy is only allowed in certain circumstances. This permission was given at a time when the wars, which were forced on the Muslims, had decimated the men, so that many widows and orphans were left for whom it was necessary to provide. A provision was made in the form of polygamy so that the widow should find a home and protector and the orphans should have paternal care and affection.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all). [4:34]

Another condition that must not be ignored is that a man has to be able to deal justly with all of his wives. Now thats quite a task. Dealing with one wife can be difficult for men, I only wonder how men can deal justly with 2, 3 or even 4 wives.

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Blissful Marriage

One day when Hazrat Aisha (RA) was spinning some woollen thread, she looked up to see Prophet (SAW) with a golden glow of contentment on his face, mending his sandals, sitting beside her on the floor. She praised him with a poetic quotation and he, never to be outdone in gallantary, kissed her forehead gently and said, “O Aisha (RA), may Allah (SWT) reward you well. I am not as much the source of joy to you as you are to me.”

we live in a society that revolves around the term ‘wedding’; be it social gatherings or tv serials, nothing is deemed complete without it. Our businesses thrive on this term: fashion designers, make up artists, caterers, photograhers and even carpenters would have been starving if this term didnt sum up the whole meaning of our lives. But how many of us look beyond this term and think of a closely related term which in fact is the reality behind the contract signing ritual: marriage. Sadly, very few!

I was difficult to be convinced to get married. When I finally did agree to get married, I knew I had chosen just the right guy. I had made a decision and I knew I could not let anyone or anything weaken my decision. For that I needed to strengthen my decision further which could only come through knowledge.

I was engaged for exactly 9 months and during this time I had to mentally prepare myself to live in a house I had never seen even in my dreams, leave the only country in the world I called home, call a new family my own and dedicate my whole life to a man I had met only thrice. This was all too overwhelming for me. Alhamdulillah, my susraal was always a relief and because of them I knew I was getting married to the right person. But, there were still people who would instill all sorts of negativity in me about my decision. So, instead of thinking about this all the time, I was able to find ample time to study about Islamic Marriages (interestingly, there is not much stress on weddings in Islam).

I am not saying that I had an Islamic wedding but I had a very simple wedding as compared to most weddings I have attended in the past few years. I wish I could have an even simpler wedding if I had not gotten weak. Some times you just have to give up cuz of ur own extended family’s cultural values. I wish I could have been stronger. I am not even saying that I adjusted to my new life style immediately, in fact I am still trying to adjust. After all, even water takes a while to calm down after its hit by a small pebble and no matter how much you prepare yourself, you dont really know how the experience would be until u start living it.

But that does not mean you should not prepare yourself at all. You cannot just enter the examination hall with no preparation at all unless you wish to fail. You might not be able to solve all the problems, but at least you have to make an attempt. And that is precisely the reason why I am doing this series of posts: I want to share what I have found regarding marriage with all of my readers, knowledge might give you the courage to initiate the change. If you are a guy, its a bit easier to be assertive in our society. Go ahead and be the change you want to see.

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For Men to Read and Follow

Got this forwarding today in my inbox….couldnt help sharing it with everyone

1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pyjamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasulullah -sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah-sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

3. Don’t treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it ‘bugs’ us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day – which brings no attention from the husband until she does something to ‘bug’ him. Don’t treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives – radi Allahu ‘anhunn. It’s a technique that few Muslim men have mastered. He would gently advise them to correct their ways.

5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don’t let that be; thank her!

7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don’t have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.

8. Don’t belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah – radi Allahu ‘anha – was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

9. Be humorous and Play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – would race his wife Aisha – radi Allahu ‘anha – in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

10. Always remember the words of Allah’s Messenger – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: ‘The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family.’ Try to be the best! Never forget to make Dua to Allah azza wa jall to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta’ala knows best !!.

The Messenger of Allah, Muhammad (sallallahu alaihi wa-allehe wa-sallam) said ‘Pass on knowledge from me even if it is only one verse’.

The most beautiful love story ever…

She was one of the noblest women around, coming from a very prominent family. She was also quite beautiful and the holder of a considerable amount of wealth, being a prominent businesswoman. To marry her would have been a great feat for any man, and indeed, quite a few of the most prominent and wealthy men in society had asked for her hand. Yet, she rejected them all; already being a widow, she had lost the desire to marry again.Until he came into her life. He was young man of 25, and although he was also of a noble family, he was an orphan and was not a man of many means. He had made a meager living tending sheep in the hills surrounding the city. Yet, he had an impeccable moral character, and he was widely known as one of the most honest men around. That is what attracted her to him: she was looking for someone honest who could conduct business for her, as she – a woman in a fiercely patriarchal society – could not do it herself. So, he started working for her.After he came back from his first business trip, she asked her servant, whom she sent with him, about him and his conduct. The servant amazed her by his report: this young man was the kindest, gentlest man he had ever met. Never did he treat the servant harshly, as many others do. Yet, there was more: as they traveled in the heat of the desert, the servant noticed that a cloud had followed them the entire time, shading them from the blazing sun. The businesswoman was quite impressed with her new employee.Not only that, this new employee proved to be an astute businessman in his own right. He took his employer’s merchandise, sold it, and with the profits bought other merchandise that he sold again, thus profiting twice. All this was enough for her: the embers of love in her heart that were once extinguished re-kindled again, and she resolved to marry this young man, who was 15 years younger than she.So, she sent her sister to this young man. She asked him, “Why are you not married, yet?”

“For lack of means,” he answered.

“What if I could offer you a wife of nobility, beauty, and wealth? Would you be interested?” she told him.

He replied in the affirmative, but when she mentioned her sister, the young employee chuckled in amazement.

“How could I marry her? She has turned down the most noble men in the city, much wealthier and prominent than me, a poor shepherd,” he said.

“Don’t you worry,” the sister replied, “I’ll take care of it.”

Not long after, the wealthy businesswoman married her young employee, and it was the beginning of one of the most loving, happiest, and sacred marriages in all of human history: that of Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah, the daughter of Khuwaylid. When they were married, the Prophet was 25 years old, and Khadijah was 40. Yet, that did not bother the Prophet one bit. He loved her so deeply, and she loved him as deeply. They were married for 25 years, and she bore him seven children: 3 sons and 4 daughters. All of the sons died in young age. Khadijah was a source of immense love, strength, and comfort for the Prophet Muhammad, and he leaned heavily on this love and support on the most important night of his life.

While he was meditating in cave of Hira, the Angel Gabriel came to the Prophet Muhammad and revealed to him the first verses of the Qur’an and declared to him that he was to be a Prophet. The experience terrified the Prophet Muhammad, and he ran home, jumping into Khadijah’s arms crying, “Cover me! Cover me!” She was startled by his terror, and after soothing and comforting him for a while, the Prophet was able to calm down and relate to her his experience.

The Prophet feared he was losing his mind or being possessed.

Khadijah put all his fears to rest: “Do not worry,” she said, “for by Him who has dominion over Khadijah’s soul, I hope that you are the Prophet of this nation. Allah would never humiliate you, for you are good to your relatives, you are true to your word, you help those who are in need, you support the weak, you feed the guest and you answer the call of those who are in distress.” She then took him to her cousin, Waraqah ibn Nawfal – a scholar well-versed in the Judeo-Christian scripture – and he confirmed to the Prophet that his experience was Divine and he was to be the Last Prophet.

After his ministry began, and the opposition of his people became harsh and brutal, Khadijah was always there to support the Prophet Muhammad, sacrificing all of her wealth to support the cause of Islam. When the Prophet and his family was banished to the hills outside of Mecca, she went there with him, and the three years of hardship and deprivation eventually led to her death. The Prophet Muhammad mourned her deeply, and even after her death, the Prophet would send food and support to Khadijah’s friends and relatives, out of love for his first wife.

Once, years after Khadijah died, he came across a necklace that she once wore. When he saw it, he remembered her and began to cry and mourn. His love for her never died, so much so, that his later wife A’isha became jealous of her. Once she asked the Prophet if Khadijah had been the only woman worthy of his love. The Prophet replied: “She believed in me when no one else did; she accepted Islam when people rejected me; and she helped and comforted me when there was no one else to lend me a helping hand.”

Much has been made and said about Prophet Muhammad’s multiple marriages. There are many who smear the Prophet as a womanizing philanderer, citing his multiple marriages. This is absolute propaganda. As a response to those who malign the Prophet , IF the Prophet were anything of the sort, he would have taken advantage of his youth to do such a thing. But he did not! At a time when it was a common custom to have multiple wives, the Prophet did not marry anyone else while he was with Khadijah.

It was only after Khadijah died, may God be pleased with her, that he married other women. Most of these wives were widows, whom the Prophet married to care after them, or they were the daughters of prominent Arab chieftains, so that the Prophet could form a cohesive Muslim society out of a fiercely tribalistic (and barbaric) Arab culture. The smears against the Prophet fall flat on their faces once the light of truth shines brightly upon them.In a song about the Prophet and Khadjiah, Muslim rappers Native Deen sing: “We look for stories of love in places dark and cold – When we have a guiding light for the whole world to behold.”

Many of what we call “love stories” today are nothing more than stories of lust and desire, physical attraction disguised as love.Yet, I can find no love story more powerful, more spiritually uplifting, more awe inspiring as that of the Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah. It is a shining example of what an ideal marriage is, and if I ever claim that I love my wife, I must gauge my actions with that of the Prophet. As the country commemorates Valentine’s Day, and everywhere we turn this month, “love is in the air,” I cannot help but reflect upon, what is to me, the greatest of all love stories: that of Muhammad and Khadijah. Even with all of its amazing and creative talent, Hollywood could not have come up with a story greater than this.


Hesham A. Hassaballa is a physician and writer based in Chicago. You can visit his blog at www.drhassaballa.com